A Day at the Races

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COLD OPEN
TITLE: 11:30 A.M.
TITLE: On a Saturday
TITLE: Philadelphia, PA
INT. PADDY'S PUB - DAY
Charlie and Mac are sitting at the bar flipping through a
Sharper Image catalog.
CHARLIE
I need these!
MAC
What do you need 500x zoom
binoculars for?
CHARLIE
What do you mean? I could see all
the way to Pittsburgh with these
things.
MAC
I don't think that's right.
CHARLIE
You don't know that for sure.
MAC
How much are they?
CHARLIE
$450.
MAC
That's bullshit.
He grabs the catalog and flips through the pages.
MAC (CONT'D)
We can't afford one damn thing in
this entire catalog.
CHARLIE
We're poor dude.
MAC
Why do you even have this?

2.
CHARLIE
I stole it from the doctor's
office.
MAC
Why were you at the doctor's
office?
CHARLIE
That's where I get all my magazines
and catalogs.
Dennis walks in.
MAC
We need money Dennis. We've hit
rock bottom.
CHARLIE
We're tired of being poor.
DENNIS
Well don't look at me, I'm not
giving you shit.
MAC
What about Frank?
DENNIS
Frank already lives with you, I
think that's enough.
CHARLIE
Hey! I'm a good roommate! Some of
those bridge guys are definitely
worse than me.
DENNIS
That's your problem. Your
competition is a bunch of guys
hanging out underneath a bridge.
Frank barges in.
FRANK
I need money! Oh, shit. I need some
money! Empty your wallets.
DENNIS
You too? You're all pathetic.
FRANK
I got a little drunk with some of
the guys and we went to the track.
(MORE)

3.
FRANK (CONT'D)
I made a few too many bets and I'm
down five thousand.
MAC
You know shit about horse racing,
why were you even there?
FRANK
Dogs.
MAC
Dogs?
FRANK
Dog racing. I would've lost more,
but one of the dogs died and they
had to stop the races.
MAC
Hey Charlie, why don't we make some
riot punch and hit the track? We
can win some money for all this
shit we need.
He pulls out some colored liquids.
CHARLIE
That's a great idea!
DENNIS
You guys are morons. You think you
can just go to the track and come
away with money? You two know
nothing about winning.
MAC
What do you mean I know nothing
about winning? I was born a winner
and I'll die a winner.
DENNIS
You've never won shit! I guarantee
you I could go to the track and win
triple as much as you shit-brains.
FRANK
No, I'm done with that shit. I need
to find money. Where's Deandra?
DENNIS
She's out doing some fundraising
bullshit.

4.
FRANK
Perfect.
MAC:
Let's do this shit! Dogs! Dogs!
Dogs!
CHARLIE:
DENNIS:
Dogs! Dogs! Dogs!
CUT TO:
MAIN TITLES
Title: "It's Always Sunny in Philiadelphia"
Title: "A Day at the Races"

5.
ACT I
FADE IN:
EXT. SHOPPING MALL - LATER
Dee is holding a clipboard trying to recruit volunteers and
raise money for Women Against Animal Abuse (WAAA).
A man walks by.
DEE
Hey you! Yeah, you. You wanna
donate money to a great cause?
MAN
What cause?
DEE
Why does it matter?
MAN
Because I want to know who I'm
giving my money to?
DEE
Why is one cause better than
another?
MAN
Look lady, it's my money, I can do
what I want with it.
DEE
So why don't you want to donate it
to a good cause?
MAN
I don't even know what the cause
is!
Frank approaches. He's eating pork rinds.
FRANK
What's going on here Deandra?
DEE
What are you doing here Frank? I
don't need you. Are you going to
give me money or not?
MAN
No.

6.
He walks away.
DEE
Fine. Suit yourself, selfish
bastard.
FRANK
The guys told me you were doing
some charity work.
DEE
Since when do you give a shit about
charity?
FRANK
I want to help. What are we raising
money for?
DEE
We? What's your angle here Frank?
FRANK
No angle. It's getting to the point
in my life where I need to do stuff
for other people.
DEE
You are getting old.
Frank shrugs and eats some more pork rinds
DEE (CONT'D)
I'm raising money for WAAA.
FRANK
Wa?
DEE
Women Against Animal Abuse. We're
like the hotter version of PETA,
much more selective in who we bring
in. We're trying to get rid of kill
shelters.
FRANK
That's great. You want some?
He offers some pork rinds.
DEE
No. That's disgusting.
FRANK
So how much money you raking in?

7.
She examines her box.
DEE
So far, 12 dollars.
FRANK
What's your take?
DEE
There is no take. It's charity.
FRANK
Well it seems like you're doing a
shitty job. What's 12 dollars gonna
do?
DEE
It's a start.
FRANK
You need to take this big time.
You're at the poor person mall.
A MALL PATRON overhears and looks at Frank.
FRANK (CONT'D)
If you're gonna stare, donate some
money.
MALL SHOPPER:
Piss off.
Dee looks around.
DEE
Maybe this isn't the best place.
FRANK
Let me help you. You'll have
millions of those kill shelters.
DEE
No-kill.
FRANK
Whatever you want.
INT. TRACK - NEXT DAY
Charlie and Mac are scouting the track.
CHARLIE
There's a lot of shady people here.

8.
MAC
Well, it is dog racing, not exactly
the classiest of places.
CHARLIE
True. These are our people.
MAC
(offended)
Don't say that! We're trying not to
be these people.
CHARLIE
We are these people, but we're
trying to not be them, by being
them?
Mac is confused.
MAC
Enough with the head games. We're
on a mission.
A drunk guy stumbles past.
MAC (CONT'D)
I know shit about dog racing dude.
Let's watch a few races.
CHARLIE
I'll meet you at the seats, I'm
gonna grab some food.
MAC
Grab me a pretzel.
CHARLIE
I'm not getting you a pretzel. Then
you'll be thirsty and you'll steal
my drink!
MAC
I want a pretzel.
CHARLIE
I'm not getting you a pretzel.
You're getting a hotdog.
He walks away. Mac heads to the seats. He seats himself near
some sketchy people.
MAC
Someone sitting here?

9.
SHADY MAN
Does it look like someone's sitting
there?
MAC
Just trying to be courteous. Show
some class that you people know
nothing about.
The gun sounds, startling Mac.
MAC (CONT'D)
Holy shit those dogs are fast.
He observes all the people cheering and yelling at the dogs.
MAC (CONT'D)
This isn't fun. This is cruel.
Charlie returns with the food. He is eating a hot dog.
CHARLIE
I'm not sure if the dogs are used
in these.
Mac stares at him while Charlie takes another bite and pulls
a face.
MAC
Dude this place isn't fun. These
dogs are being treated like shit.
The crowd starts cheering.
CHARLIE
Holy shit, is Chief winning?
MAC
What?
CHARLIE
I put 10 bucks on him.
MAC
What were the odds? Where'd you get
10 dollars? The dogs don't have
names.
CHARLIE
Frank gives me like 50 bucks every
month.
MAC
What is he your dad?

10.
He grabs the ticket.
MAC (CONT'D)
The odds say 6:1.
CHARLIE
6 dollars, alright. We're on our
way!
MAC
Not six you idiot, 60.
CHARLIE
I won 60 bucks! I'm close to that
massager!
MAC
Enough with the god damn massager.
No gift on this planet will make
the waitress like you.
CHARLIE
Don't say that!
MAC
It's true!
CHARLIE
What we're you saying about the
dogs before?
MAC
Forget it. Let's go place some more
bets!
They head off.
INT. BOOK STORE - SAME DAY
Dennis is reading about dog racing. He notices a pretty
employee, OLIVIA. He begins awkwardly flexing while reading
his book.
DENNIS
Excuse me miss.
OLIVIA:
Yes, can I help you?
DENNIS
I'm trying to get that book up
there, but I can't reach it.