The Official Bro Code / written by Barney Stinson
1) Bros before hoes. The bond between two men is stronger than that between a man
and a woman because on an average, men are stronger than women. That’s just science.
2) A bro is always entitled to do something stupid as long as the rest of his bros are all
doing it. For example... If only one Spanish dude were to run down the street in front of
a bunch of angry bulls, people would have been like "Dude, come on!!". The license to
be stupid is why we have bros in the first place.
3) If a bro gets a dog, it must be atleast as tall as his knee when full grown. Corollary to
this states, naming a lap-dog after a pro-wrestler or a character from a Steve McLain
movie does not absolve a bro from this article.
4) A bro never divulges the existence of the bro code to a woman. It is a sacred
document not to be shared with chicks for any reason.
NOTE: If you are a woman reading this, first let me apologize: it was never my
intention for this book to contain so much math. Second, I urge you to look at this
document for what it is a piece of fiction meant to entertain a broad audience through
the prism of stereotypical gender differences. I mean, sometimes it really is like we're
from different planets! Clearly, no real person would actually believe or adhere to the
vulgar rules contained within.* Those boots are adorable, b-t-dub.
5) Whether he cares about sports or not, a bro cares about sports.
6) A bro shall not lollygag if he must get naked in front of other bros in a gym locker
room. Corollary to this states, if a bro gets naked in the locker room, all other bros shall
pretend that nothing out of the ordinary is happening while at the same time
immediately averting their eyes. When in doubt, remember the old adage. If your towel
drops to the ground, so should your eyes.
7) A bro never sends a greeting card to another bro. There are no sentiments between
two bros that cannot be articulated through the convenience and emotional distance of
8) A bro never admits he can’t drive stick even after an accident.
9) Should a bro lose a body part due to an accident or illness, his fellow bros will not
make lame jokes such as "Gimme three" or "Wow!! Quitting your job like that really
took a lot of ball!!" It’s still a hi-five and that bro still has a lot of balls, metaphorically
speaking of course.
10) A bro will drop whatever he is doing and rush to help his bro dump a chick. It’s
normal for a bro to get confused and disoriented when dumping a chick. For some
reason he is worried she will become agitated or even violent after he calmly explains
his desire to hook up with her friends. This is when a bro most needs his bro to remind
him that there are plenty of chick in the ocean and that a breakup need not be hazardous,
stressful or even time- consuming. How to dump an chick in 6 words or less...
- “Maybe try a side salad instead."
- “Cute!! You ‘re growing a moustache too!!"
- “She looks like a younger you!!"
- “I will finance a boob job."
- “Sorry I threw your shoes out."
- “Your sister let me do that!!"
11) A bro may ask another bro to help him move. But only after first disclosing an
honest estimate on both time commitment and number of large furniture pieces. If the
bro has vastly underestimated, either his bros retain the right to leave his possessions
where they are, in most cases stuck in a door-way.
12) Bros do not share dessert.
13) All bros shall dub one of their bros his wingman.
14) If a chick enquires about another bros’ sexual history, a bro shall honor the Br-ode
of silence and play dumb. Better to have women think that all men are stupid than to tell
15) A bro never dances with his hands above his head.
16) A bro should be able to recite anytime the following reigning champions: Super
bowl, World series and Play Mate of the year.
17) A bro shall be kind and courteous to his co-workers unless they are beneath him on
the pyramid of screaming. America was built on the backs of men and women who
were yelled at to work harder and the tradition has been screamed to generation from
generation. But you just can’t scream at anybody. You can only scream beneath you.
18) If a bro spearheads a beer run at a party, he is entitled to any excess monies accrued
after canvassing the group.
Note: To avoid confrontation it’s a good idea to jettison the receipt before returning to
19) A bro shall not sleep with another bro’s sister. However, a bro shall not get angry if
another bro says "Dude, your sister’s hot!!". Corollary, it is probably better for everyone
if bros just hide pictures of their sisters when other bros are coming over. When in
doubt refer to the check list for bro-proofing your home.
20) A Bro respects his Bros in the military because they've selflessly chosen to defend
the nation, but more to the point, because they can kick his ass six ways to Sunday.
21) A Bro never shares observations about another Bro's smoking-hot girlfriend. Even if
the Bro with the hot girlfriend attempts to bait the Bro by saying "she's smoking-hot,
huh?" a Bro shall remain silent, because in this situation, he's the only one who should
22) There is no law that prohibits a woman from being a Bro. Women make excellent
bros because they can translate and navigate the confusing and contradictory whims that
comprise the chick code (Chick do have the chick code!!).
23) When flipping through TV channels with his Bros, a Bro is not allowed to skip past
a program featuring boobs. This includes but is not limited to, exercise shows, women's
athletics, and on some occasions surgery programs.
24) When wearing a baseball cap, a Bro may position the brim at either 12 or 6 o'clock.
All other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped.
25) A Bro doesn't let another Bro get a tattoo, particularly a tattoo of a girls name. The
average relationship between a man and a woman lasts 83 days. The relationship
between man and his skin lasts a life time and must be nurtured because the skin is the
largest and second most important organ a man has.
26) Unless he has children, a Bro shall not wear his cell phone on a belt clip.
27) A Bro never removes his shirt in front of other Bros, unless at a resort pool or the
beach. Corollary, a bro with a coat of fur on his back, keeps that thing covered at all
times even at resort, pool or beach.
28) A Bro will, in a timely manner, alert his Bro to the existence of a fight between two
fellow human beings of the female variety. If an informed bro is unable to witness the
fight first hand, a spotter bro is responsible for documenting and relating details of girl
fight via pictures, video or, barring any other reasonable method, interpretive dance
29) If two Bros decide to catch a movie together, they may not attend a screening that
begins after 4:40pm. Also despite the cost savings, they shall not split a tub of popcorn,
choosing instead to procure individual bags.
30) A Bro doesn't comparison shop.
31) When on the prowl, a Bro hits on the hottest chick first because you just never
32) A Bro doesn't allow another Bro to get married until he's at least thirty.
33) When in a public restroom, a Bro (1) stares straight ahead when using the urinal; (2)
makes the obligatory comment, "What is this, a chicks' restroom?" if there are more
than two dudes waiting to pee; and (3) attempts to basketball toss his used paper towel
into the trash can like a basketball...rebounding is optional.
34) Bros cannot make eye-contact during a Devil's Three-way.
35) A Bro never rents a chick flick.
36) DD: When questioned in the company of women, a Bro always decries fake breasts.
37) A Bro is under no obligation to open a door for anyone. If women insist on having
their own professional basketball league, then they can open their own doors. Honestly
they're not that heavy.
38) Even in a fight to the death a Bro never punches another Bro in the groin.
39) When a Bro gets a chicks number, he waits at least ninety-six hours before calling
her. The reason is Bro-flation. An unreasonable increase in female expectations about
how bros should act. You call a woman the next day, she tells her friends that you
called the next day, and soon enough, women everywhere will expect guys to call them
the next day. Before you know it, bros the world over will find themselves trapped in
relationships and all because you couldn’t wait 96 little hours.
40) Should a Bro become stricken with engagement, his Bros shall stage an intervention
and attempt to heal him. This is more commonly known as "a bachelor party."
41) A Bro never cries. Exceptions- Watching Field of Dreams, ET or a sports legend
retire (only first time he retires).
42) Upon greeting another Bro, a Bro may engage in a high five, fist bump, or a Bro hug,
but never a full embrace.
43) A Bro loves his country, unless that country isn't America.
44) A Bro never applies sunscreen to another Bro. Exceptions – If the Bros are within 7
degrees latitude of the equator.
45) A Bro never wears jeans to a strip club. Reasons – a) Cloth pockets are roomier and
elastic allowing for a thicker wad of cash. b) Denim clashes with the club’s leopard,
zebra or other safari animal motif. c) One word, two syllables, three hours in the ER –
Zipper. d) It’s a performance and deserves respect. e) You don’t feel it as much on
your… you know what..
46) If a Bro is seated next to some dude who's stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, he
shall yield him all of their shared armrest, unless the dude has (a) taken his shoes off, (b)
is snoring, (c) makes the Bro get up more than once to use the lavatory, or (d) purchased
headphones after they announced the in-flight movie is 27 Dresses. See Article 35.
47) A Bro never wears pink. Not even in Europe.
48) A Bro never publicly reveals how many chicks he's banged. Corollary – A bro also
never reveals how many chicks another Bro has banged.
49) When asked, "Do you need some help?" a Bro shall automatically respond, "I got it,"
whether or not he's actually got it. Exceptions – Carrying an expensive TV, parallel
parking an expensive car and loading an expensive TV on to an expensive car.
50) If a Bro should accidentally strike another Bro's undercarriage with his arm while
walking, both Bros silently agree to continue on as if it never happened.
51) A Bro checks out another Bro's blind date and reports back with a thumbs-up or
52) A Bro is not required to remember another Bros birthday, though a phone call every
not and again probably wouldn't kill him.
53) Even in a drought, a Bro flushes twice.
54) A Bro is required to go out with his Bros on St. Paddy's Day and other official Bro
holidays, including Halloween, New Year's Eve, and Desperation Day (February 13th)
55) Even in an emergency that requires a tourniquet, a Bro never borrows from or lends
clothes to another Bro.
56) A Bro is required to alert another Bro if the Bro/chick Ration at a party falls below
1:1. However, to avoid Bro-flation, a Bro is only allowed to alert one Bro. Further, a Bro
may not speculate on the anticipated Bro/Chick Ratio of a party or venue without first
disclosing the present-time observed ratio.
57) A Bro never reveals the score of a sporting event to another Bro unless that Bro has
thrice confirmed he wants to hear it.
58) A Bro doesn't grow a moustache. Exception – While shaving it’s more than ok for a
Bro to keep the whiskers around his mouth till the end so that he might temporarily
experiment with different facial hair configurations.
59) A Bro must always post bail for another Bro, unless it's out of state or, like, crazy
expensive (Crazy expensive bail >(years you've been bros) x $100)
60) A Bro shall honor they father and mother, for they were once Bro and chick.
However, a Bro never thinks of them in that capacity.
61) If a Bro for whatever reason becomes aware of another Bro's anniversary with a
chick, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless of
whether he thinks his Bro already knows.
62) In the event that two Bros lock on to the same target, the Bro who calls dibs first has
dibs. If both call dibs at the same time, the Bro who counts aloud to ten the fastest has
dibs. If both arrive at the number ten at the same time, the Bro who bought the last round
of drinks has dibs. If they haven't purchased drinks yet, the taller of the two Bros has
dibs. If they're the same height, the Bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. Should the dry
spells be of equal length, a game of discreet Broshambo* shall determine dibs, provided
the chick is still there. *Rock, paper, scissors for Bros.
63) A Bro will make any and all efforts to provide his Bro with protection. Bro-tection
forms a central pillar or, more accurately, a plastic coating for the central pillar of the Bro
way of life.
While not legally or physically responsible for any repercussions of failing to provide
protection, it’s not uncommon for a Bro to experience pangs of guilt after a fellow Bro
becomes infected with a disease. Some of which, such as children, can last an entire
64) A Bro must provide his Bro with a ticket to an event if said event involves the second
Bro's favorite sports team in a playoff scenario.
65) A Bro must always reciprocate a round of drinks among Bros. Exception - A Bro is
off the hook if a Bro orders a drink with an umbrella in it.
66) If a Bro suffers pain due to the permanent dissolution of a relationship with a lady
friend, a Bro shall offer nothing more than a 'that sucks, man' and copious quantities of
beer. A Bro will also refrain from pejorative commentary - deserved or not - regarding
said lady friend for a period of three months, when the requisite BACKSLIDE WINDOW
67) Should a Bro pick up a guitar at a party and commence playing, another Bro shall
point out that he is a tool.
68) If a Bro be on hot streak, another Bro will do everything possible to ensure its
longevity, even if that includes jeopardizing his own records, the missing of work, or, if
necessary, generating a realistic fear that the end of the world is imminent. Exception -
Dry spell trumps hot streak.
70) A Bro will drive another Bro to the airport or pick him up, but never both for the
same trip. He is not expected to be on time, help with luggage, or inquire about his Bro's
trip or general well-being.
71) As a courtesy to Bros the world over, a Bro never brings more than two other Bros to
a party. Three Bros are cool - Three amigos, Three musketeers, The police, Apollo 13
Astronauts and the Three stooges. Four Bros are lame – Mount Rushmore, The Fantastic
Four, The Monkeys and Michael Jordan’s team mates.
72) A Bro never spell-checks.
73) When a group of Bros are in a restaurant, each shall engage in the time-honored ritual
of jockeying to pay the bill, regardless of affordability. When the group ultimately
decides to divide the check, each Bro shall act upset rather that enormously relieved.
74) At a red light, a Bro inches as close as possible to the rear bumper of the car in front
of him, and then immediately honks his horn when the light turns green. That way if
another Bro is several cars behind, he'll have a better chance of making it through the
intersection before the light turns red again.
75) A Bro automatically enhances another Bro's job description when introducing him to
a chick. Chicks like to stretch the truth about their age, promiscuity and sometimes, with
the help of extensive make-up and structural lingerie, even their body shape. As such, it is
a fair game for Bros to exaggerate reality when asked about their Bro-fession.
76) If a Bro is on the phone with a chick while in front of his Bros and, for whatever
reason, desires to say "I love you" he shall first excuse himself from the room or employ
a subsonic barry white-esque tone.
77) Bros don't cuddle.
78) A Bro shall never rack jack his wingman. Rack jack is to steal your wingman’s chick.
To commemorate and solidify the unbreakable bond between the Bro and his wingman, it
is recommended that before going out, each face the other, place his left hand on the Bro
code, raise his right hand, and recite the wingman pledge.
79) At a wedding, Bros shall reluctantly trudge out for the garter toss and feign interest
for the benefit of the chicks present. Whichever Bro gets stuck with the garter shall light-
heartedly pretend he's not mortified at the thought of being the next one to drop before
scurrying to the bar for a very stiff drink and/or shots.
80) A bro shall make every effort to aid another Bro in riding the tricycle (engaging in a
threesome), short of completing the tricycle himself. The total age of all the three should
be less than 83.
81) A Bro leaves the toilet seat up for his Bros.
82) If two Bros get into a heated argument over something and one says something out of
line, the other shall not expect him to take it back or apologize to make amends. That's
83) A Bro shall, at all costs, honor the Platinum Rule: Never, ever, ever, ever " love" thy
neighbor. In particular, a Bro shall never mix it up romantically with a co-worker.
Exceptions – Coworker is an 8 or better, you are superior to the coworker, coworker
dresses a little slutty, company recently sued for sexual harassment, someone makes a bet
that you can’t, you are switching floors soon, you and coworker get stuck in elevator,
coworker soon to be fired, coworker hits on you, coworker going through divorce,
coworker not offended when you accidently email provocative self pictures to office.
84) Bro shall stop whatever he's doing and watch Die Hard if it's on TV. Corollary – Also
the Shawshank Redemption, Top Gun, first half of Full Metal Jacket.
85) If a Bro buys a new car, he is required to pop the hood when showing it off to his
Bros. Corollary – His Bros are required to whistle, even if they don’t know what they are
86) When a Bro meets a chick he shall endeavor to find out where she fits on the
Hot/Crazy Scale before pursuing her.
87) A Bro never questions another Bro's stated golf score, maximum bench press, or
height. He can however, ask the Bro to prove it, traditionally in the form of a wager.
88) If a Bro, for whatever reason must drive another Bro's car, he shall not adjust the
preprogrammed radio stations, the mirrors, or the seat position, even if this last
requirement results in the Bro trying to drive the vehicle as a giant praying mantis would.
89) A Bro shall always say yes in support of a Bro.
90) A Bro shows up at another Bro's party with at least one more unit of alcohol than he
plans to drink. So if a Bro plans on chugging a six pack, he shall bring a six pack plus at
least one can of beer. If the party sucks and/or there are too many dudes, the Bro is
entitled to leave with his alcohol, though etiquette dictates he should wait until nobody is
91) If a group of Bros suspect that their Bro is trying to give himself a nickname, they
shall rally to call him by an adjacent yet more demeaning nickname.
92) A Bro keeps his booty calls at a safe distance.
93) Bros don't speak French to each other.
94) If a Bro is in the bathroom and runs out of toilet paper, another Bro may toss him a
new roll, but at no point may their hands touch or the door open more than 30 degrees
from fully closed.
95) A Bro shall alert another Bro to the presence of a chesty woman regardless of
whether or not he knows the Bro. Such alerts may not be administered verbally. (The
shoes tap, The eye redirect, The swift shin kick *D cups and up only, please*)
96) Bros shall go camping once a year, or at least attempt to start a fire.
97) Where a Bro went to college is going to kick his Bro's college's ass all over the field
98) A Bro never lies to his Bros about the hotness of chicks at a given social venue or
99) A Bro never asks for directions when lost. Exception: A Bro may as for directions for
a hot chick who seems to know the area. A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick
even if she also appears lost. A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick even if he
himself is not lost at all.
100) When pulling up to a stoplight, a Bro lowers his window so that all might enjoy his
music selection. Corollary: If there happens to be a hot chick driving the car next to the
Bro, the Bro shall pull his sunglasses down to get a better look. If he's not wearing his
sunglasses, he will first put them on, then pull them down to get a better look.
101) If a Bro asks another Bro to keep a secret, he shall take that secret to his grave and
beyond if the Bro discovers there is indeed life after death. This is what makes them
Bros, not chicks.
102) A Bro shall take great care in selecting and training his wingman.
103) A Bro never wears socks with sandals. He commits to one cohesive footgear plan
and sticks with it.
104) The mom of a Bro is always off-limits. But the stepmom of a Bro is fair game if she
initiates and /or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing...provided she
looks good in it...but not if she smokes menthol cigarettes.
105) If a Bro is not invited to another Bro's wedding, he doesn't make a big deal out of it,
even if, let's face it, he was kind of responsible for setting up the couple and had already
picked out the perfect wedding gift and everything. It’s cool. No big whoop.
106) Given an option on quantity when ordering a beer with his Bros, a Bro always
selects the largest size available or shall never hear the end of it that night.
107) A Bro never leaves another Bro hanging.
108) If a Bro forgets a guy's name he may call him "brah","dude", or "man" but never
109) When Bros attend a sporting event and see themselves on the JumboTron, they shall
purse their lips and flex their biceps while informing the crowd that their team is number
one, despite any objective rankings to the contrary.
110) If a Bro is hitting it off with a chick, his Bro shall do anything within his means to
ensure the desired outcome.
111) If a Bro discovers another Bro has forgotten to sign out of his email the Bro will
sign out for him, but only after first sending a few angry emails to random contacts and
then deleting all sent messages.
112) A Bro doesn't sing along to music in a bar. Exception: A Bro may participate in
- The Official Bro Code / written by Barney Stinson